Keep it on the down low…

Dear Diary,

R.Kelly is in town. I’m not his number one fan, but any excuse to jump up and down and scream like crazy. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Oh well.

Dear diary,

He called me yesterday. I haven’t spoken to him in days, actually he hadn’t checked on me since my dramatic exit the other night. I didn’t answer his call, I’m so over this crap. He texts to ask me what’s wrong, I think he should already know. Guess I don’t know him as well as I think I do. I ignore him. It takes a lot of effort, believe me. He goes on to apologize for whatever, but it falls on deaf ears.

His apologies don’t remove the dull ache that I feel whenever he crosses my mind, and whenever I hear his name.

tippety tap the finger goes

Dear diary,

I’m seated at my desk waiting for yet another day to go by, another night to come and another night of mindless partying. It makes me feel better temporarily, but six or so beers later, and the pounding headache I’ll probably have in the morning make me think twice. They make me think twice but the reality is that I’m probably going to go ahead and do it anyway, regrets later. I’m pathetic.

I need to do something random and crazy like dance on a table top or make out with a stranger. Again, something that will probably make me feel like an idiot tomorrow.

One of my bestfriends is going thru a really tough time right now, and I don’t know how to help her. I try to advise her the best I can without sounding like a bitch, coz I honestly don’t understand why she can’t see how good she has it. She’s a wonderful person who used to be full of life, but she keeps getting disappointed over and over again, to a point where she doesn’t know who she is anymore, and frankly, neither do I. She’s hurting and I want to reach out, but I can’t. I don’t know if it’s my own selfishness, I know its not envy because I’m genuinely happy for her, I just can’t seem to make her see how special she is. I’m hoping it’s just a phase she’s going through, but I’m worried it’s not. Why can’t we be happy? Why is life so unfair? Why do so many children have dead beat fathers? Why are people shivering on the streets?  Why, even with my recent fortune do I still feel as poor as a church mouse?

what’s wrong with me?

Dear diary,

I think I’m bipolar. It scares me to think such a horrible thing, but I can’t think of any other explanation as to why I’m the way I am. I have extreme highs, and extreme lows. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t think I have the courage to actually act upon it, but the fact that it can even cross my mind freaks me out. I’m at a point in my life where I think I should be really happy, but I’m just not. Everything seems to be falling into place, everything doesn’t seem to be falling into place.

My mood swings are getting old. I keep thinking the people who have stood by me all this time are going to wake up and leave me because they can’t stand the person I am. I’ve tried to change, I really have. As the years go by and I think I’m getting wiser, I just realise I’m not. I’m still the same hypocrite I was 10years ago. I’m still the same gossip my bestfriend at 15 said I was. I’m still the cry baby who always wants it her way and doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not the only person on this planet. I’m still the person who believes in God but refuses to get saved, even though I know He’s the only one who’s going to get through this darkness. I can’t even stand myself, so why should the people closest to me have to put up with my shit?

Not Again.

Dear diary,

I met him again on Saturday. I’ve got to stop doing this to myself. I’ve deleted him from my mailing list, out of my phonebook, off my facebook friends list, out of my life. But when I see him the memories flood back. I’ve never been that happy in my life. At this point in time, I actually don’t think I ever will again. It’s sad. I cried. I cry. Cried because I saw him flirt with the girl he denied having slept with. Cried because he didn’t even care that he hurt me, he just looked on as I stormed away. Humiliated because I lost my cool in public for all the world to see. Hurt because I finally realised that what I’ve lost, I’m never going to get back, atleast not from him. It hurts, I ache with actual physical pain.

 I fell in love with someone who will never love me back.